i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
