The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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