Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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