So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
