i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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