Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
