forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
