Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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