I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just found a bag of teeth...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
