Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
