Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
