My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm too high and old for this...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
