I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
