Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
