Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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