Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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