I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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