Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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