I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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