Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
