I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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