My liver just broke up with me...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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