I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
