This is not my ceiling
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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