he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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