I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
