omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
