I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
