after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
