Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
