I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't deserve a penis
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
