scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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