i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So many bounce houses so little time
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
ttyl tear gas
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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