Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I still have a little drunk in my system
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
