I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
