guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
