that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
