I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
