burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
