i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
