You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
