thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
