Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
