Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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