can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
