He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
