remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
