im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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