I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
