lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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