So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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