Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
