I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
