If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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