i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
