There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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