We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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