is your mom at the bar?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
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she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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