i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
